i started this as a way to reduce the number of messages I send to certain friends who may find that annoying, if not for their content or quantity but for the inappropriateness of the medium. so think of this as serving that role. i won't get as private as i would to my friends of course, but if you're reading this and decide you'd want to be a friend to me then by all means consider yourself one. this is where i obsess over things that have little outlet or easy solution in my life, or things i consider thoughtful or dramatic. and just anything i want. yeah this may sound like i'm restricting or defining the purpose of this page but you'll see that impression is superficial.
i'm considering links based on subject matter, but in my thought no such classification would be perfect. so i don't know what to do. whatever I do don't expect to not have to dig around somehow to find all thoughts on a topic.
make art that isnt approved of by rules. make art that isnt profitable. that's the opposite of profitable. that's independent from power.
good art won't increase your power in america. authenticity is frowned upon unless it can be packaged and sold. you are only allowed to exist insofar as you fit into capitalism. use art to break free from this cage. you don't need anyone else to validate your art. make your own artistic language.
one thing i notice is my mind doesn't change based only on words. that's just part of your mind. a change of mind is a choice and there's no marriage between words one can accept make a reasonable argument and your choices.
what is a regret? is it feeling unhappy with choices you made in the past? is it unhappiness with the consequences or how you handled the situation as you were capable of it then? is it knowing you would have chosen differently if you knew then what you know now? is it pain from knowing this? dwelling on that pain?
the history of america is full of application of pain for a purpose. slavery and colonialism require systematic use of pain as a means of control. pain is wielded by upper classes to subjugate the lower. pain is used to convince the lower classes they belong where they are.
pain doesn't
art as self expression is one way to feel something in a world where increasingly we, and i in particular, feel a sense of emptiness in a life full of distractions and work for capital. a world where what is useful and good is reduced to what fits into capitalism. where the predominant notion is that we need a system to submit to to live good lives, and assertions otherwise are for the weak, the conspiracy theorists, the unserious. A world where the prevailing system is taken as the result of a natural and logical progression toward ever-bettering outcomes, and is taken as causing only necessary harm for the betterment of all. a world of emotions all harnessed for capital, and where the personal sphere of influence is warred upon by forces who seek to dominate all means of human nourishment and enrichment as a means of subjugation. surely there are more specifics to be mentioned by people more informed or creative than me.
I'll say it's probably unreasonable to expect anyone in america without means to immediately seek out a life detached entirely from american capitalism even if they understand this. the capital class have done their job well. but to do nothing leaves me feeling pointless. in part this page* is a way of expressing myself regardless of if those feelings can be packaged and sold. this is a work of art I'm sharing with whoever reads this. beyond that there are other things i want to do to break free of capitalism, and i want to start small and manageable. some ideas are listed below. and these wont overthrow capitalism or anything, im not interested in trying to start a revolution, but they're ideas to feel fulfilled in ways that capitalism in america seems to inhibit.
*this IS a silly medium to choose to write with. i could do something not with html being used to write. but i dont care. plus, i like having little technical things to obsess over. i like distracting myself from within.
Capitalism today has subsumed all major means of communication and transport. essentially All human connection is mediated by the system we're in. it's lonely to seek ways to live fulfilled beyond the system, but is necessary to live an authentic life. Yes you are not alone in wanting and seeking beyond the system in theory, but in practice we restrict what we say publicly, at work or online etc., we have our time full of tasks that serve capital and often no energy for much else, we need to spend money to travel and to be with people, and it's simply hard to imagine being happy doing things beyond the system. capitalism, whether you like the system or not, has subjugated inexorable parts of all of our minds.
your mind moves like a muscle does. do you need to use and understand words to move your arms? to calm a mind so disorganized you can't focus you need this type of mental discipline. it takes effort and practice but it actually does make a difference - and it really seems like it wouldn't. the contents of the mind tend to beget more of themselves.
it's good to learn without needing a reason why. and without being afraid. it seems sometimes like thought has some optimal pattern and habit, and that it should lead one to let go of thoughts that aren't "useful" to focus on "important" subjects. it's not hard to see why some regard feminism as a "useless" subject. it's the same powers at play here that I want to identify. this need to optimize one's thought patterns is internalization of programs of control. we're more than what we output and it doesn't need to fit neatly into anyone else's ideas of value. if there is something you deem worthy of learning, then it is simply because you decided it.